As I stated previously, we eventually cut sex completely out of our lives due to the excruciating pain I was experiencing. We moved to a few different states and I wasn't comfortable seeing a doctor right off the bat. I thought I was the only one dealing with this kind of thing. I googled my symptoms. But got no answers. I became depressed over the days because I felt like I couldn't even give my husband what he so desperately needed.
I began fighting with my husband. We had a great relationship. It was just that no sex allowed me to feel completely broken as a woman. I felt as if I couldn't fulfill my roll to please my husband. I was angry. My whole life, I had planned on sharing this spectacular moment with my husband, and now, I couldn't have it. I was really really angry.
When I think of how my husband acted during this time, I can't help but smile. He didn't need sex to feel loved. He needed touch, of course. He needed intimacy and romance, service and much much more. Not having sex in our relationship truly taught us how else we can show each other we love one another.
In the Fall of 2012, we moved to a state we planned on being in for awhile. I decided to open up to my mother about what I had been going through. We cried through our tough times and she helped me. She didn't understand. She was there and could be there for me as much as she could, but she just didn't get it. And that hurt me. Because she was my mom. I wanted her to understand so badly. That in itself made me bawl myself to sleep.
A few months after telling my mother, I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN. Better late than never, right? After becoming super awkward and hurting every time my doctor even touched me, she finally diagnosed me.
"You have vulvodynia. A condition that makes your vulva flare up and hurt during intercourse and potentially, more, like most people experience. We're going to give you some estrogen creams and oils and have you try those before we automatically hop into the solution of surgery. Because we have a 60% success rate with this Premarin estrogen cream."
After walking out of the office, I was ecstatic. I was so excited that we had finally found a cure. My doctor wrote a prescription for a cream called Premarin cream and I tried it for three weeks before I tried sex. And it worked. Did it hurt? Yes, really bad. Could I still have sex without it hurting? No. But I could have sex. And that's really all I cared about at the moment. I cried the whole time having sex because I was so excited. And the next day, when we tried, it wouldn't work again. After trying every day, instead of helping my husband in other ways, I would run to the bathroom, and just sob.
This went on for a few months. I didn't want to give up. I would become more spiritual, pray to Heavenly Father, and ask Him to just please heal me. But life doesn't work that way. I continued to try sex. It never worked. I was angry. I saw a therapist, not mentioning my diagnoses, and he said it sounded like I had anxiety & depression. I agreed. Immediately. And I honestly blame this condition.
This went on for a few months. I didn't want to give up. I would become more spiritual, pray to Heavenly Father, and ask Him to just please heal me. But life doesn't work that way. I continued to try sex. It never worked. I was angry. I saw a therapist, not mentioning my diagnoses, and he said it sounded like I had anxiety & depression. I agreed. Immediately. And I honestly blame this condition.
